Friday, May 31, 2013

Boys and their toys

Comedian David Smiedt lets us in on an extremely individual conversation with his penis .


We’ve been through a lot over the years and it’s time we had a speak. Man to man. Sure, we’ve had our share of excellent instances, but we’ve also put each other in circumstances we both appear back on with regret. 1st up, let’s talk names. In our teens, when boys my age have been discovering that you could do more than wee, I resisted the temptation to offer you a macho moniker.

Where my mates have been christening their downstairs bits with heroic names like “Dangling Thunder”, “The Remarkable Heat-Seeking Moisture Missile” and “Mahogany: The Everlasting Wood”, I went with “Mr Happy”. Straightforward, however for the point - and I assume you’ll agree it took the pressure off both of us and was much less intimidating for the ladies.

What’s that you simply say, “It wasn’t ladies it was lady. Singular”? Yes, you are suitable. So I wasn’t exactly carving notches in my bedpost and, granted, I knew her for 3 years ahead of you have been introduced.

For practically two decades, your agenda and mine have been usually radically different. Colluding together with your buddy testosterone, you frequently challenged the man I believed I was. The “sex should be about emotional connection” model of masculinity I strove for was tested every day.

As an example, although at a party chatting to a beautiful woman about Tim Winton’s latest novel you’d hijack my brain with announcements like, “Killer rack at 10 o’clock” or “Hot pants and Bacardi Breezer combo within the kitchen, go go go!”

At times, having you on board was like getting saddled having a child with ADHD who’s just entered Disneyland: “Oh, I wanna ride that,” “Now I wanna ride that,” “That too!” Penis Extensions are the best toy for men to increase the erection time, and penis extension is also a nice assistant to create a wonderful foreplay to make men be a superman or let your women satisfy your sex ability.

You, my at times turgid buddy, also took excellent delight in difficult my sense of female attractiveness. While my head was all about adorable girls who had fringes and favourite episodes of Loved ones Guy, you kept piping up with recommendations for instance “Who says you cannot make a fulfilling life with a girl who goes by the stage name Fantasia and has another man’s name tattooed on her pubis?” Bondage Toys are the treasure for the people who like role play masochism and sadism.

As ashamed as I'm to admit it in print, you even had your way a handful of times and, though the correct sex with the incorrect girls was memorable, it wasn’t sustainable or fulfilling. But neither of these items have ever meant that significantly to you.

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